***So short I know but... I didn't want to tack this on to another update so... here's a little blip... a real update coming soon lol***
Alone. How do you explain such a susceptible term? How do you lie in a building, bursting with people, and feel like you’re the only one left on earth? How do you long for people and then push them away when they come, only to wish that they were back once again? Back to save you from the loneliness; the crushing emptiness that surrounds you, closes in around you - alone.
How do you cry when there’s nothing left? When your mind can’t function and your heart can’t handle anymore? Your throat burns with every breath you take; and you wish that they would just stop. Your eyes are glazed and your body feels like it’s being pulled apart; torment rips through everything - throbbing.
How do you gaze up at the man that loves you, and continue to look him in the eye as your heart breaks over the one person he wishes you would have forgotten about long ago? How do you face him, knowing that the world has changed? Knowing that no matter what has been said, or what will happen from here on out; that you can never go back to the way that you were.
How do you live once you’ve known death? Once you’ve known the raw edge of a life being put out. When it’s that close, how do you survive? How do you hold on to innocence and naïve dreams, once your mortality has been brutally smashed in front of you? Where does your immortality go?
How do you continue on? How do you continue to put one foot in front of the other and face the day?
Most importantly, how do you let go?
Letting go…at that thought I gripped on tighter. Holding on with any strength left in my weary arms. Is there anything more beautiful than the feel of a warm body? A body with a heart beat and a breath… how we take for granted the feel of life.
Is physically letting go of someone harder than letting them go mentally? I think not.
You can move away from a body, as easy as you can draw a breath. You just shove off, let go, and then it’s gone. If only the mind worked so easily…
But it doesn’t, and no amount of wishing or pain can make my mind let go of the boy that I had loved - still loved? Who knows?
Do I love him again because my Mattie is gone? Or have I always loved him… and it took this… this to know for sure? And what does it even mean now? Is it a better love for finding the truth, or a lesser love for never existing.
I took a deep breath, inhaling life. Pressing closer into the vivacity beneath me. Will be it like this forever now? Has my inexperienced life been lost forever? Why does loss spread itself so far away from where it started.
I continue to lie with his arm draped across me; loosely, too loosely. He won’t close it though, not anymore. He’s with me physically, but his mind is not here; or it is, and he just doesn’t have the heart to hold me - his subconscious self is trying to push me out. I am more pain then I’m worth. Why do I continue to hurt him so much… what more can I do, I kill people; I ruin lives. My mistakes - my selfishness - is the demise of the innocent.
I knew in my heart that the accident was my fault. If I hadn’t invited Geno to come talk to me - encouraged him like that - this wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t kissed him - this wouldn’t have happened. If I had of heard Mattie out, gave him time to explain himself - this wouldn’t have happened.
I didn’t deserve to be here now; wrapping my arms around him, nuzzling into his neck, running my fingers through his dark hair as my tears fell liberally. Why do I continue to hurt him so much?
I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat steadily through his chest; a sound that life had taught me to never take for granted.
Thinking back to yesterday; so much had changed. Everything I had ever wanted seemed so foolish - my entire life’s work was now just a dim, foolish memory.
I couldn’t stop the tears at all anymore, as once again the pain burned up through my chest. I thought back to all the days before, the better days, will I ever feel that way again?
And what about the eyes, that knew me so well. Always loving, deep, passionate; how do you forget that?
Something in the back of my mind was telling me that I still had a purpose, something I would have to get up and do; that my life once had a meaning… Once I was also safe though, and even next to a warm solid body; the innocent belief in safety I had once had, was no more.
I knew those were fleeting thoughts though, and as much as I knew it was killing Geno, I couldn’t bring myself to forgo the new duties that had been instilled in me. Of course I had a meaning, a purpose; it was just simplified now…
Spend every moment holding onto him…
Until he woke up; until I had to tell him that he would never be the same. The words flew through my mind as I allowed his heartbeat to steady my breathing again as I put my head back down on Mattie‘s warm chest..
Don’t let go… don’t let go…