Chapter 15

As I made my way out the back doors of the rink I exchanged a few high-fives, fist bumps and quick hugs with my fellow teams mates. We had won our game, 2-1, against Jake's team and were now guaranteed a spot in the semi finals. As incredible as the high from our win felt, I knew I didn't have time to truly enjoy it. Mattie's game would be starting soon, but that thought was only second in my mind right now; I had a more pressing issue.

Even though my phone call had confirmed our meeting, my heart still did a flip flop as pushed the back doors opened and stepped out into the warm evening air.
He was there, just as he had promised; this caught me off guard even though it shouldn't, he had -after all- never broken a promise to me before.

He was sitting with his back to me on the edge of the loading dock, his post-season due was cropped short under his 'Pirates' hat, which he had on backwards. The doors banged loudly behind me, causing me to jump; he never looked up. I cautiously walked over to him, cursing myself for calling him in the first place. He never looked up as he said, "You play well today." His thick accent caught me off guard: had it always been that noticeable, or had it just been too long since we'd talked in person.

"Thanks." I said, clearing my voice afterwards, already the emotion was thick in my voice. Hearing him and seeing him this close again was causing a storm of guilt to tug at me, threatening to pull me under.

"I surprise you ask to see me." He stood up and turned to face me. He was wearing a blue-plaid fitted shirt, the very shirt that I had bought for him on his birthday, he had his hands carefully tucked into his front pockets. "I glad you call."

"Well, I did... I mean... I do want to talk to you in person, I meant... back home in Pittsburgh though..."

He chuckled and took another step towards me, "I coming here... anyway..." He pulled his hands out his pocket and held them towards me, taking another step forward.

"Don't!" I cried holding me hands up in front of me. He turned a light shade of pink and rocked back on his heels, looking hurt. I instantly felt bad for raising my voice, after all this was my fault and not the other way around. It seemed like no matter what I did I was always hurting him. I sighed a tried to compose myself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you came all this way but I can't do this... I have a boyfriend." The word felt foreign on my lips in the present company, and it also brought over a new wave of guilt, Mattie was probably wondering where I was.

He took another step back and exhaled. "You embarrass of him? Like you embarrass of me?"

"I was never embarrassed of you..." I replied quietly, taking a step forward.

"You no let me touch you, you no let me kiss you. You not even meet team-mates... not even call me boyfriend." His eyes began to rim with tears as he suddenly turned his back on me. "I love you Carlie... First time we meet I know you no like other girls... I want you." We stood like that for a few minutes, both trying to get a better handle on our emotions. He turned around finally, his eyes holding mine "You love me too, you know? You have boyfriend now, but you love me. Say it."

I no longer had any idea what to say, I figured the truth was my best option; no matter what I said someone was going to get hurt. "I do... I do love you. I'm sorry, but that doesn't change anything. I'm with Mattie now, and I can't just leave him... I love him too." Until this exact moment I didn't even realize that it was possible to love more than one person at once. I had always mulled the idea over in my head, whether or not I loved him, but it seemed so strange and so forbidden at the time. I knew I could never allow it to happen, but seeing him here and feeling all the things that that meant for me, I knew I couldn't deny it any longer, the truth at least.

When I looked back up at him he was smiling. "I know. You with him now but... you with me soon." He took another timid step towards me, "Carlie, I come... to tell you... I not mad, anymore. I know why you leave... I know."

It was hard for me to even hear what he was saying any longer. Knowing for sure that he didn't hate me, that he finally understood why I need to do this without him, it was like nothing else mattered.

"I think - before - is cause of things I do... in past. Now I know truth. You need to get here alone, but you love me."

I nodded my head, I didn't like that fact that he was still in so much pain, but I was relieved that he knew it wasn't because of his short-comings; it was because of mine. "I wish things could have been different for us, I'm sorry that I hurt you... I never wanted that to happen. I always thought you'd just move on to something better..."

"Is no better to me." He shrugged his shoulders and smiled, "I wait. This why I send flowers. Once you get in, you come back to me."

"I don't know if that's-"

"I not here to guilt. Just to say, I know I love you more than him. We are good togeteher."

"I'm glad you came." And I was. Looking up at him now I could remember how easy it was to be around him. He was the first person I had ever really trusted, ever really let in. He had made me feel special but he had also respected who I was and what I wanted out of life.
Before I knew what was happening he had closed the gap between us in two long strides, I didn't even have time to protest as he wrapped his long arms around my waiste and pulled me in close. He brought his head down and kissed the top of my head, pulling me in harder against his body. I hugged him back.

After a few minutes I pulled away, "I really have to get back, the other game probably started already..."

"You stay in touch? Please?"

"Of course."

He nodded and gave me a smile. "I love you. I see you in Russia."

"Bye... I'll write you, I promise." He smiled and turned away, heading off into the parking lot as I turned and headed for the door.



I hadn't realized how long I'd been outside when I got back into the rink. The boys were just coming back on the ice for the second period and I could see Mattie glancing around the rink. I jogged down the steps up to the glass, and banged on it. Mattie looked over and saw me. He gave me a huge smile and a wave before heading over to centre ice. The game was 0-0 for the time being, and I decided to go find a seat behind Mattie's bench.
I walked quickly around the rink, and then bolted up the stairs where I found Marty sitting with an empty seat beside him. "Where have you been?" He asked before I had even sat down.

"Sorry, something came up, how's he been playing?"

"Alright, his defence sucks though so... they're having a hard time keeping the puck away. Constis' doing awesome and Carrol is... well he's out there anyway. Not his best performance." I looked over on the ice to where Carrol was, his head was all but hanging and he looked throuoghly downcasted.

"That's too bad..." I sighed, as the puck dropped.


The final score was 3-1 for Team 4 (Consti and Carrol's team), with that win it had been decided that my team and team 4 would get free passes to the semies. Mattie had gotten the only goal for his team, on a break-away, and I couldn't be more happy. This meant that tomorrow, Tuesday, we would all have a free day to train or relax as we saw fit and then the games would start on Wednesday.
Wednesday morning Jake's team was going to be playing against Marty's team, the winner of which would play Consti's team in the semies. Like wise, that evening, Mattie's team would be playing against 'Renny's team (Team 6); the winner would play my team in the semies.

I waited around the rink for Mattie to get out so we could walk back to the dorm together. My 'back door' conversation, as I was refering to it, was safely locked away in the back of my mind. I knew that whatever happened I couldn't worry about that now... it wasn't fair to myself to get worked up over anything when I needed to focus on hockey, and most of all it wasn't fair to get worked up over another boy when I had a great boyfriend already.

I saw Mattie coming out of the dressing rooms before he saw me, and I couldn't help but smile at the smile on his face. He was so proud of himself. Mattie rarely got break aways, he was much more of a 'sniper' type player, prefering to sit in wait... when he has good people around him, he rarely missed.
He finally saw me and made a B-line to where I was standing, pulling me into a big hug and planting a kiss on my lips.
"Well somebody's in a good mood!" I smiled up at him, pulling him closer for another kiss.

"How could I not be... I got a hot girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure that I'm the best hockey player ever." I couldn't help but laugh at how sincer he sounded.

"Alright superstar, let's go to bed... big day in the gym tomorrow!" I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind me outside.

"Superstars don't need the gym... this is pure natural talent right here!" I punched him in the gut and laughed as he chased me back up to the dorms.


It was hard for me to get to sleep that night. It felt like so many things had happened all at once. I was so unsure of what I should be doing anymore. I felt bad, but I wasn't even sure who I felt bad for... had I cheated on Mattie, or was cheating all physical? I had told someone else that I loved them, but I had also said I loved Mattie... did it cancell out? Ugh! Why was everything so complicated...