Chapter 20

“So… do you want to talk about it?” I asked Mattie once we were back in our room for the night. We were both stretched out on the same bed, my head was cradled in shoulder. My breathing was shallow as I waited for a response, completely unsure of what I wanted his answer to be.

“If you want to…” He half-sighed, I didn‘t need to see his face to picture the spasm of pain I knew was passing across it. I could tell that Mattie wanted to know everything, but at the same time he was too scared to ask me directly. I wanted to lie to him, protect him; the way I should have protected him last night.

“Well, why don’t you tell me what you know, and I’ll fill in the blanks… I mean, how did you find out I knew him?” I asked quietly. I waited patiently for him to answer, rolling over until my face was squished into his side; he tightened his grip on me. The harder he squeezed me, the worse I felt; it was like he was trying to hold me together, without understanding that I was falling apart on the inside.

He cleared his throat and began to play with my hair. “I knew back at training camp. When I went to pack, I found the card that he sent you.” I inhaled sharply; he’d known the whole time. He paused for a moment, and I could feel him inhaling deeply; when he spoke next, his voice was husky “Carlie, why didn’t you just tell me?”

I wanted to cry, but that wasn‘t fair, this was my fault and I needed to deal with it head on. I pulled myself up and sat beside him; pulling my legs up against my chest at a feeble attempt to hold myself together. “It never mattered… he was just someone from my past. At the time whenever I was ’dating’ him - if that’s what you want to call it - he wasn’t important to me.” Mattie nodded along with my words and gave me a small smile when I looked over at him. “Mattie…” I let go of my legs and crawled towards him, “I love you. I- I just… I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when he sent the flowers. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that he was going to be here…”

“That’s a lot of ’sorry’s” he chuckled, at me, pulling me back down beside him. We lied in silence for a while, his lips occasionally grazing the top of my head. Without warning my tears began to flow; falling carelessly onto his sleeve, as my world fell down around me.
The crushing realization of what I had to do next, made me feel like the floor was falling out from underneath me. I clutched to Mattie as tightly as I could, reeling in his scent, his touch; tricking myself into believe that everything was ok.

I took one last bitter-sweet breath before I pulled myself away from him - if he never holds me again after this, will that be enough? “I’m not done yet.” I said as I sat up. I placed my feet firmly on the floor and gripped the side of the bed as the walls crashed in around me.
He sat up too, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to him; against the ache in my chest, I pushed him away, moving off the bed to face him. “Mattie-”

“Carlie, don’t.” He cut my off, tears forming in his eyes. I dropped down onto my knees in front of him as I felt my knees buckle; he already knew, I could tell by the sadness in his eyes and the pain on his face. I didn’t need to say it, but I wanted to… he was too good for me. Mattie wasn’t just my team-mate, he wasn’t just my boyfriend; Mattie was everything.
The ache burned down my throat and into my chest while I clutched at my stomach; feeling the pain of self-destruction creep through me. Subconsciously, I began to rock slightly; as my body tried to fight of the nauseating hopelessness that was threatening to tear me apart - from the inside out.

“Mattie, I cheated on you.” I sobbed quickly; trying to get the words out fast, hoping the speed would make it less painful for the both of us.
If I had ever questioned my feelings before, I was sure of them now. Sitting on the floor completely vulnerable, allowing myself to feel every wonderful, horrible emotion wake up inside me; only served to prove that I was in the right place.

Mattie was always where I belonged. Maybe it had taken me my entire life to see that, but there could be no doubt now.
I had left Geno. I had left Geno and move on without feeling the pain of loss; because I had never truly lost anything. Yes, I loved Geno; there could be no question about that - but to love someone and to be in love are two very different things. I loved Geno, but that was nothing compared to the boy who cried in front of me.
I knew that I loved Mattie, I knew it now in every distant core of my being. I was sure that somehow I had always known this; but on the brink of loss those emotions were ten-fold.
I had moved on from Geno, moved on without a thought backwards - moved on without loosing myself. That wouldn’t happen this time.
There would be no recovery from this; you can’t loosing everything and be ok - you can’t make something from nothing.

I put my hands back down in my face and I sat there unmoving, unable to look up again.
I had no idea how much time had passed, but somehow it was too much and not enough at the same time.

“Carlie…” Mattie said quietly, reaching down and putting his hands under my chin, forcing me to look up. “Tell me what happened… I wanna know- I need to know how it happened…”
I shook my head, that was the last thing we needed; details about my betrayal, details about the end of the world. “Please.” He begged, pushing himself off the bed and kneeling down in front of me on the floor. He pulled me closer to him, his hands gently cradling my face as his eyes pleaded with me through their tears.

I couldn‘t wrench my eyes away from him as the words fell out in a jumble of repugnance on my lips. “You were passed out. Max Talbot came to the door, I thought he just wanted to talk about him… I followed him around the corner but he was gone and that’s what I saw him.” I couldn’t bring myself to say Geno’s name; like mumbling the name of a nom de plume in the presence of true salvation. I stopped talking and looked him in the eye, he nodded for me to continue. “He kissed me… and I didn’t stop it.” I spat, unable to meet his gaze any longer; I felt dirty, repulsive.

“He kissed you?” He emphasized the words carefully. I watched his mouth form each sound; I would never feel his lips again.

“You’re not listening to me Mattie, I didn’t stop him.” I was defeated, I fell backwards, by back landing against the other bed. I pulled my legs back against me and pressed my face into my knees.

“But you were here with me. You didn’t go looking for him?”

“Mattie-“ I mumbled, not looking up.

“Did you go and look for him, or did he come here?“

“Max came here.“ We had already been over this, why was he making this so hard? Nothing I don’t deserve, I had hurt the greatest person in my life; I deserved to feel this pain again.

“Did you go out there to kiss him, or did he kiss you?“

“He kissed me but I didn’t stop-“

“He kissed you, but you came back here.” This wasn’t directed at me. I pulled my face up and watched as Mattie nodded to himself. I bit my lip, waiting for him to finally get mad, finally lash out at me, finally tell me that he hated me; all the things I deserved.

I sat compliant while I wanted for the rage to build up inside of him; unexpectedly he stood up and took a seat back on the bed. “Carlie, come up here.” He held out his hands to me and I took them selfishly, allowing my body to ignore what my mind knew was coming. I sat down on the bed; a foot away from him. He rolled his eyes and slid towards me. “Did you mean what you said?” He whispered, as he nuzzled his face into my neck. “Are you gonna keep your promise?” I wanted him to get it over with, end the pain that was spreading through my body like novocaine.

“Yes.” I answered simply, honestly. I was unbelievably calm as I sat in the eye of the storm.

“As long as you promise to stay away from him… no. Not even then…” I nodded, not looking up, allowing Mattie to begin his flare-up.

“Carlie I love you. I’m so pissed right now that… I couldn’t even explain it to you but… I need you. No matter what you’ve done I can’t change the way that I feel. I could beg you to stay away from him but, why?” I dared to look up, meeting his eyes; this wasn’t a ploy or an attempt to trick me into more pain - he was being honest. “I’m going to be miserable for a little while until I deal with this but, that’s a little while. If I didn’t have you I’d just be miserable… I don’t ever want to be without you…” His last confession came out nothing more than a sob. He balled the shoulders’ of my shirt in his hands and pulled me towards him.

My mind kept trying to convince me that my life was over; no matter what he did now it was in pay back for the pain I had caused - I obliged anyway.
I could taste the salt of our mingled tears as my lips found his and his grip moved to my hair and back. He crushed me to him with enough force to make me gasp out in pain; it never diminished my animalistic need for him.

We made love out of pure desperation; I never paused to consider the implications or backlash of my actions - my need was driven by more than rational thought.
When it was over I allowed my body to clam down, twisting it every now and again to feel the bruises I knew would be formed clearly by morning. Not out of character, Mattie fell asleep before me; and I grabbed for my phone - setting the alarm.

I had 7 missed calls from Geno. I punched in his number and sent off a text. Last night was a mistake. Don’t call me again.
It didn’t matter anymore if Mattie would leave me in the morning; I would rather be alone than with the one I hurt him for.

**A special thanks to Jay; without whom, this post never would have gotten finished =D***